Why on earth is it that they just know everything? When you do something that you think is right your parents will turn around and say "I don't think thats right" and when it all comes crashing down around you they will be the first ones to say "I told you so" or sometimes they don't even need to speak, they just give you "THAT LOOK"

My mother is notorious for this. She always asks my sisters and I or our boyfriends:

"Do you have a thick coat?"  
in case the 30 degree weather outside turns into an Antarctic snowstorm. We did go to America and my mum asked me the same question. 

I was also standing in her kitchen a few weeks ago and she came charging upto me with this duffle coat. She forced me into it, put the hood up, did the zip up to my nose and pulled the strings tight around the hood so all you could see were my peepers. She then advised me "This is the perfect coat for all freak weather. Go and get one". Er... no. I looked and moved like a black Michelin Man. Not a good look

"Do you have comfortable footwear?"  
I am notorious for my ridiculous impractical footwear so in case we break down and have to walk to a motorway phone or anything else

"Have you checked your cars oil and water?" 
Self explanatory

We always say yes just to get her to shut the hell up. I live 80 miles from home now so my journeys are long to visit family. But one day my younger sister got her cumuppance. 

She was driving home from working in Luton to Milton Keynes and suddenly she heard a loud crunching sound followed by some bangs. Her car slowed down and came to a halt on the M1. She called me up and said:

"Christina, never guess what?!?!"


"I've broken down!!"

"Noway, are you OK?"


What's best is as soon as the AA towed my sister to my parents house, my mum opened the door and greeted her, not with "Are you ok darling?" but with "THAT LOOK". She just knew, she just knew...

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They are the most vile and disrespectful creatures on this planet. I remember when I was at University in 2006, my first year at fine ol' Coventry University, and someone asked me:

"Stina, do you have chavs in Milton Keynes?"

"Noooooo! Milton Keynes is far too good for chavs"

I was shocked to find out that when I returned back home to Milk n Beans, Dirty Jeans, at the end of my first term, all the goths and "greebo's" had turned into CHAVS! Scummy, rude, fake Burberry wearing CHAVS. 

I couldn't walk anywhere without seeing walking stripes, clumps of green and white gob on pavements, the sound of illiterate drivel with every other word being "fuck" or "fucking". I was horrified. What had happened to my beloved Milton Keynes? Oh, the shame, THE SHAME! 

They we're like swarms of flies around shit, hovering in any key point of the city (yes, I know some of you will say Milton Keynes isn't a city but I don't care to be honest). You'd find them chucking chips at "Got-Any-Spare-Change Marcus" outside McDonalds or having riveting conversations about "tits" and "robbing their mums" at the tree in the outdoor bit.

I would be so unbelievably mortified if I had a kid that turned out to be a chav. It'd be up for adoption faster than you can say "ASBO"

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Yes, I have many a time had to clench my arse cheeks together in order to make a conversation with a stranger or professional stay on the same level of intellect.

To this day I don't recall ever passing one to cause embarrassment, however, a few weeks ago, Lee and I were at Dollis Hill Station in Willesden, London because I was taking Lee to watch Arsenal vs West Ham at the Emirates Stadium. I had a big pump built up so as I walked up to him, I turned around to let one go towards him but and as I farted I clocked eyes on a shocked train conductor. That was possibly the most distressed I had ever felt in my life. Lee was shocked too but we laughed about it to dampen the blow of mental discomfort.

Also a few years ago, I was on the phone to a young chap about finding university accommodation along with my 5 friends. My parting line was: 

"Ok, thank you, bye, BELCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH" 

I have never hung up on a call so fast. Two of my friends looked at me with such bewilderment. I never even felt that one coming! It was a surprise to us all.

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I am fed up with these adverts that pop up everywhere:

"Click here to know my secret?"

"Get ripped in 4 weeks!"

"Get a flat stomach following this one simple rule"


This guy, Kevin from Bangkok, was keeping a journal on a Croatian bodybuilding site and someone stole his pictures to show that this was a fad. It didn't take him "4 weeks to get ripped" it took him 4 months!

Don't buy into this rubbish people!

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Grrrr, i'm back to work after a lovely long weekend with my friends and family. Friday - Monday of pure entertainment and relaxation.


If I was ruler of the world I would give us 5 days off and only work two. Surely, thats more common sense. Of course we need shops to be open 7 days a week so people would do rota work. This plan doesnt need any more thought, its a winner!

You so know it was a man who came up with this dumbass rule :D

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