... stupid TV talent shows?

Sigh.

I am annoyed.

All of these talent shows are just merging into one big Simon Cowell driven multi-million empire at the expense of repetition and untalentless people. 

I didnt watch any of Britains Got Talent this year but I've just watched a couple of clips on Youtube and seen that a guy, Sean Sheenan, chopping wood made it to the semi finals. TO THE SEMI FINALS! So out of the hundreds of thousands that audtion, this act was the cream of the crop in this country? Bloody hell fire. The barrel is well and truly scraped.

I don't understand why singers are allowed on this show to begin with. Thats what XFactor is for right? And plus the two formats of the show are the same, its like watching the same show.

And yet, we buy into these fad shows, reality TV, cringeworthy viewing. Don't get me wrong, I used to love these shows when they first came out but the winner of American Idol this year debut single went to number 24 in the US charts. Is this the world saying "we want a change?"

When are we going to have shows with intelligence and substance again?!

... WAGS?

Now, I’m a lover of great celebrity gossip and scandal!! I am addicted to the fantastic and legendary website Perezhilton!! Absolutely fantastic reading, it dishes the dirt on all celebrities, doing things they are not suppose to, but what I do love about all these celebrities, is that the majority of them have earned the right for us to google their names and read about them in both awe and admiration. However, what I don’t like reading about is WAGS.

Seriously, to become famous by getting your leg over an overpaid footballer is nothing to be proud of. It not like they even have any particular talent to show off, other than they are capable of flushing their lovers money down the drain in the streets of London. However, what is worse is the fact that I work in a school where I have had several arguments with the girls (and some boys) about not really needing a good education as they will grow up and marry a footballer!

Let’s take Coleen as an example. What real talent has that lady actually got? And I’m pretty sure we all know, the real reason why she is actually with the Neanderthal/Golum look alike husband is because of the money and the second hand fame she receives.

I must admit, this hatred of WAGS is not aimed at all of those money grabbing vultures who hunt by night in the clubs in Mayfair, prowling the clubs in hope of netting themselves a premier league player. Those ladies who have talent and made a career of themselves, through singing or acting or another form of reputable career, well done and good on you. It’s those girls who don’t aspire to do well in life and just want to sponge of someone else’s hard earn efforts.

I’m guessing, my real gripe is with those people who basically want something for nothing. They want the lavish lifestyle and the only thing they are willing to do for it is spread their legs in order to do so. Now, some women (Jordan) have managed to make a successful career but honestly, don’t sell yourself short.

To do well in this life and succeed, you will have to work hard at it and the rewards with pay off, however, for those parasites who depend on someone else, that is all you are destined to be and all you will be known for. 

... doing your business in gross toilets?

Here is what I recommend...

1. Hold it - wait till you get home!! I appreciate this isn’t always the case so…
2. Always carry hand sanitizer! Kills 99.9% of germs.
3. Fully line the toilet seat with loo roll!
4. Stoop!!

... Idiot Drivers?

Seriously, there are so many drivers out there on our roads that I wonder “How the hell did you manage to get a license?” From collecting tokens in the News of the World and did you get a free bonus CD of Stevie Wonders greatest hits?

I’ll start with idiot middle lane drivers. Please tell me, what’s wrong with the inside lane? Is there something you’re not telling me? Do we use more fuel in that lane? Does it wear our tyres quicker? Is there some kind of inside lane monster that will jump out at you causing you to flip your car a bunch of times? No! So why do they persist on driving in that lane at 60mph when the inside lane is free. Then have the cheek to give ME the middle finger or look at me as if i’m in the wrong!

Well you’re wrong !! So unless you are overtaking, get your slow arse stupid self in the inside lane!!

Another thing that really gets up my nose is when your waiting behind 2 cars (one in each lane) at a set of traffic lights. You wait, wait some more, then the lights go green and your guess what, your still damn waiting! At what point did the driving test start teaching people that when you're at a set of traffic lights, don't watch the lights, just sit there and wait for the car next to you to start moving and then you can go! NO, you watch the lights you stupid fools and when they go green, you go!

Last but not least, how many times have you been behind another car as you approach a roundabout and as you get closer you start to look to see if it's clear. It is clear but to your horror as you glance back at the road in front, you hit the brakes and brace for impact because the stupid idiot your following has stopped! WHY? WHY? WHY? I ask and guess what, if you hit them it's your fault! It's your insurance that has to pay out!!! Is there really any need to approach the roundabout, stop, then look, have a moment to decide, then look again, think about it a little more then slowly pull away! Seriously, what is wrong these people, if you can't look to see if the roundabout is clear as you approach you shouldn't be driving full stop!

IDIOTS! 

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... BMW drivers?

Seriously, I think anyone out there who owns one of these cars gets an automatic licence to drive round like an absolute tit!! They are always the drivers who will drive up your arse, they will always be the drivers who would cut you up and they are always the drivers who think the road belongs to them and that we should feel somewhat privileged to grace the same surface as them.

I'll be honest enough to say that I am quite a fast driver and have been known to push the limit, but I think we would all be in agreement when I say "all BMW drivers should be shot!!" They drive around with their dark sun glasses, driving round like they run the place. Who do they think they are?

I was driving home the other day, going pretty quickly (as I really needed the loo), and this crazy BMW driver came straight up my arse and had the audacity to start flashing me to move over. Now, I’m quite a calm person and can take quite a lot, but this guy really made me see red. The fact that I was already speeding past most drivers in the slow lane anyway meant nothing to him. I really wanted to get out my car, go over to his window and bitch slap him with my ring hand.

Learn to drive like a normal person and maybe we'll get along. They act like their cars are all that but to be honest, I'd rather be seen in a Skoda! Yes I went there.

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... 4x4's in the City?

How many times has this happened to you? Pulling up to a junction, you look left, then right, then left again and a massive 4x4 comes pulling up next to you, blocking your sight!?! Seriously, what is the point in them? It's like some big black curtain has been pulled next to your car blocking your vision. How bloody irritating!!

I can honestly see the point of owning 4x4 cars.... If you live in the country. But what really grinds my gears is people driving these monstrous cars in the city. What is the point? They are too big, too expensive and too polluting. To get yourself a decent 4x4 you need to spend at least £30k, then there is tax which is like £400 a year, then a bucket load on petrol each week and then add in the cost of irritation from normal drivers on the road and you are looking at a damm expensive vehicle to which you don't even use properly.

These people must have more money than sense when it comes to purchasing one of these vehicles, I honestly have no issue if you live in the country and use it to its full capability, but these city dwelling "soccer mums" who don't even know that milk comes from cows, I bet have never even used the car to go off road.

I'm pretty sure if we did a survey on the amount of people who use these beasts of a machine in the city and asked them if they actually used them off road, the percentage would be lower than the amount of straight men in the entertainment industry.

I was at the supermarket the other day and the only available space I could find was next to one of these Chelsea Tractors. Due to the size of it taking up quite a lot of the space I had to park quite far over just to get out of my car. Went to the shop and came back and found that another beast parked to the other side of me!! Needless to say, I was not a happy bunny, not only did I have to proper squeeze into my car, when I went to pull out... I couldn’t see a thing!!

2 words comes to mind.... all terrain... what's the point in spending a stupid amount on something if you are only going to use half of it. It's like going to the theatre and only watching the first act!! Wake up people!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

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.. that your parents know EVERYTHING?

Why on earth is it that they just know everything? When you do something that you think is right your parents will turn around and say "I don't think thats right" and when it all comes crashing down around you they will be the first ones to say "I told you so" or sometimes they don't even need to speak, they just give you "THAT LOOK"

My mother is notorious for this. She always asks my sisters and I or our boyfriends:

"Do you have a thick coat?"  
in case the 30 degree weather outside turns into an Antarctic snowstorm. We did go to America and my mum asked me the same question. 

I was also standing in her kitchen a few weeks ago and she came charging upto me with this duffle coat. She forced me into it, put the hood up, did the zip up to my nose and pulled the strings tight around the hood so all you could see were my peepers. She then advised me "This is the perfect coat for all freak weather. Go and get one". Er... no. I looked and moved like a black Michelin Man. Not a good look

"Do you have comfortable footwear?"  
I am notorious for my ridiculous impractical footwear so in case we break down and have to walk to a motorway phone or anything else

"Have you checked your cars oil and water?" 
Self explanatory

We always say yes just to get her to shut the hell up. I live 80 miles from home now so my journeys are long to visit family. But one day my younger sister got her cumuppance. 

She was driving home from working in Luton to Milton Keynes and suddenly she heard a loud crunching sound followed by some bangs. Her car slowed down and came to a halt on the M1. She called me up and said:


"Christina, never guess what?!?!"

"What?"

"I've broken down!!"

"Noway, are you OK?"

"I'm on the M1 home from work and its dark!! BUT THANKS TO THE MARKET-STALL FLEECE, TORCH AND BOATING PLIMSOLLS THAT MUM SNEAKILY STASHED IN MY CAR, I'M FINE!!"


What's best is as soon as the AA towed my sister to my parents house, my mum opened the door and greeted her, not with "Are you ok darling?" but with "THAT LOOK". She just knew, she just knew...

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... CHAVS!!!!!!!

They are the most vile and disrespectful creatures on this planet. I remember when I was at University in 2006, my first year at fine ol' Coventry University, and someone asked me:

"Stina, do you have chavs in Milton Keynes?"

"Noooooo! Milton Keynes is far too good for chavs"

I was shocked to find out that when I returned back home to Milk n Beans, Dirty Jeans, at the end of my first term, all the goths and "greebo's" had turned into CHAVS! Scummy, rude, fake Burberry wearing CHAVS. 

I couldn't walk anywhere without seeing walking stripes, clumps of green and white gob on pavements, the sound of illiterate drivel with every other word being "fuck" or "fucking". I was horrified. What had happened to my beloved Milton Keynes? Oh, the shame, THE SHAME! 

They we're like swarms of flies around shit, hovering in any key point of the city (yes, I know some of you will say Milton Keynes isn't a city but I don't care to be honest). You'd find them chucking chips at "Got-Any-Spare-Change Marcus" outside McDonalds or having riveting conversations about "tits" and "robbing their mums" at the tree in the outdoor bit.

I would be so unbelievably mortified if I had a kid that turned out to be a chav. It'd be up for adoption faster than you can say "ASBO"

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... having to stifle an inapropriate expulsion of gas?

Yes, I have many a time had to clench my arse cheeks together in order to make a conversation with a stranger or professional stay on the same level of intellect.

To this day I don't recall ever passing one to cause embarrassment, however, a few weeks ago, Lee and I were at Dollis Hill Station in Willesden, London because I was taking Lee to watch Arsenal vs West Ham at the Emirates Stadium. I had a big pump built up so as I walked up to him, I turned around to let one go towards him but and as I farted I clocked eyes on a shocked train conductor. That was possibly the most distressed I had ever felt in my life. Lee was shocked too but we laughed about it to dampen the blow of mental discomfort.

Also a few years ago, I was on the phone to a young chap about finding university accommodation along with my 5 friends. My parting line was: 


"Ok, thank you, bye, BELCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH" 

I have never hung up on a call so fast. Two of my friends looked at me with such bewilderment. I never even felt that one coming! It was a surprise to us all.

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... those "GET ROCK HARD ABS!" adverts...?!

I am fed up with these adverts that pop up everywhere:

"Click here to know my secret?"

"Get ripped in 4 weeks!"

"Get a flat stomach following this one simple rule"

ITS ALL BOLLOCKS!

This guy, Kevin from Bangkok, was keeping a journal on a Croatian bodybuilding site and someone stole his pictures to show that this was a fad. It didn't take him "4 weeks to get ripped" it took him 4 months!

Don't buy into this rubbish people!

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... the guy who only gave us two days off a week?

Grrrr, i'm back to work after a lovely long weekend with my friends and family. Friday - Monday of pure entertainment and relaxation.

BUT WHY ON EARTH DO WE ONLY GET TWO DAYS OFF TO HAVE FUN?!?!

If I was ruler of the world I would give us 5 days off and only work two. Surely, thats more common sense. Of course we need shops to be open 7 days a week so people would do rota work. This plan doesnt need any more thought, its a winner!

You so know it was a man who came up with this dumbass rule :D

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... people who have stupid facebook status's?

I mean, I like to read certain peoples FB status's but I do think sometimes "Do you know you sound like a pencil right now and everytime you write something in this status box?"

These are the classic examples that, as Peter Griffin would say, "GET MY GOAT"

1. People who have no idea "what to eat for dinner". How can you survive life having to make such difficult decisions
2. People who's status "is watching TV", "is going to bed", "is going to eat". Thank Jesus you announced that to us all. Now I won't be awake all night
3. Boring flooded status. "Goinggggggggggggggg Skiinggggggggg. Can't waittttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!". So unnecessary
4. People who love their partner "sooooooo much" or "can't wait to see my man" BLEARGH
5. People who have rocky relations "He can be such an idiot sometimes", "Why did he do that?", "Why does he want to hurt me?". FUCKING ASK HIM!!!
6. I have trouble containing myself when people do not write their statuses' in third person
7. "Looking forward to the weekend". Everyone is looking forward to the weekend, it's assumed knowledge !
8. Illiterate fools who can't even string a sentence together i.e "I fink I am guna 2 c my frend ova dere" What the hell does that say?!
9. And the worse one... so and so "is bored" Don't bore us with your BORING STATUS!

I'm not religious but I do ask the lord to "Give Me Strength" when I read this shit...

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... nosey neighbours?

Just because I don't have curtains in my front room, doesn't give you an invitation into looking into my home.

Everyone that walks past, I swear they are looking for some car crash or some gossip to share with friends. Some of the walkers past even come back for a second look in hope. Just damn RUDE.

"Oooh, guess what I saw in a house round the corner? I saw a full on orgy with 3 midgets, a pre-op transvestite and a labrador. Oh and a well endowed black girl. I can't believe the scandal in this street"

Far from it. Me and my partner are just watching TV. Nothing to see here, move along.

Next time i'm going to go outside, wave at them vigorously and say "Hi, how are you?" and ask to borrow their jump leads so I can attach them to one of the midgets nipples for my erotic enjoyment.

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... people who try and pass the buck?

Why do people find it hard to say "Yea, ok, I messed up. I am human, I'M SORRY"

These are words that we invented, we intended to use them so why can't they be used without feelings of depression and remorse?

Today at work I was blamed via email for something which yes, I made the mistake, but the mistake shouldve been spotted and corrected by another member of staff, it's their job.

To try and lighten the mood of the written conversation, I said this:

"There is a well known proverb used amongst the people, which would be very appropriate for both of us right now:

“Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups”"

I don't think it went down well...

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... not being able to finish your sentences?

Well I have a some friends that are really good friends and some friends that are just acquaintances. You know those friends that you don't call or text but you invite them to your party so you look popular?

Anyways, I have one particular friend, I love her dearly and I have known her for about 7 years now, gosh. I'd be talking about something really interesting, like my new bad ass hair style, or what new pair of 5 inch heels I bought on the weekend and BAM, just like that, she'd start talking about something else! Its like,

"Can you not hear me talking?"

"Can you not wait till I've finished talking? I've listened to what you have to say"

"THIS IS CALLED A CON-VER-SATION"

The same thing happens to me at work. I mean, I am a loud, outspoken person and at these points in time, I am not whispering or mumbling, I am speaking with clarity and conviction and BAM, i'm cut off again!

Whats with these people?! Are they just rude? Are they just bursting to say what they need to say?

NOTE: The only people you are allowed to talk over are your siblings or your partner. I do it to my boyfriend all the time because its allowed.

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... getting ripped off at nightclubs?

So, we were all up for a good night out on Saturday, it was my boyfriends sisters birthday, nice! It all started great around my house with drinks and we were all looking forward to a good old time and busting some wicked moves on the dancefloor of Mantra in Windsor.

We hired a cab to take us to the club, all having a laugh and a giggle singing old school tunes and taking the piss out of Lil 'Lazy Mouth' Wayne on the way. "Just like a cop carrrrr". Yeah, good start to the night!

We got to Windsor at 9.57pm to be exact, which wasn't a problem as they wasn't putting the entry price up till 11pm. When we turned the corner to walk to the club, we saw the queue was MASSIVE! However, we had our alcohol jackets on and we thought we would get into the club pretty soon. So we started chatting to random people in the queue making queue friends. I found out this girl had her first black boyfriend! From the way she was walking and the smile on her face, I don't think she will be dumping him anytime soon.

10 minutes passed and we hadn't moved anywhere and our alcoholic armour had started to show some chinks. We quickly became freezing and parts of our bodies were turning numb. Not a good feeling with 4 inch heeled open toed shoes on.

Another 10 minutes had passed and we had moved all of 2 metres. When where we going to make it in??? Finally, we got in at 10.30pm with a sigh of relief. Our night could finally begin!

I think I did the movement where you make a fist in the air and bring it down close to your body in triumph.

Excitedly we ran to the ladies at the desk and they said:

"£15 please".

Through chattering teeth I replied:

"SAY WHAT NOW?!"

... to which they responded

"£15".

Now wait one cotton picking minute, advertising everywhere said it was £10 before 11pm, even their own website! I wanted to stand there and argue but my partner who has to constantly keep me in check just said:

"Stina, lets just pay and go in for godsake"

If it was my night out, I would've got the manager down and made them charge me and my friends the correct price, not the price they decided that moment they were going to charge us, or I wouldve just gone to Vanilla Night Club round the corner for free and told them where I was going. The club obviously wanted to take advantage of the situation and assumed that because people had queued up for 30 minutes in the cold they were willing to pay anything. There was 8 of us so times that by £15 they made £120 from us, not including drinks.

It was actually really busy that night because some idiot called Danny Dyer was "djing" and they wanted to make as much money as possible.

The night didn't get much better, my friend saw Jack Tweed, Jade Goodys husband, walk up the steps inside the club. Great, this place attracts fucking twats. When Danny Dyer came on, most girls rushed forward whilst I hung back with my blackitude.

His opening line was "What a great crowd! Bollocks to it, lets play some music" For some reason there was another guy playing the CD's...?! Hmmm, I thought Danny Dyer was meant to be djing. He spent the whole night rambling some incoherent drug induced rubbish and using words only an uneducated fool would use.

After he got off, the original DJ came back on and I was free to cut some pretty damn impressive shapes as always. To be honest I couldn't wait to get home as it was so cold in there and my night had already had a downer put on it from the a fore mentioned events.

I spent most of Sunday sleeping and being sick. Thanks for that Mantra.

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