... stupid TV talent shows?

Sigh.

I am annoyed.

All of these talent shows are just merging into one big Simon Cowell driven multi-million empire at the expense of repetition and untalentless people. 

I didnt watch any of Britains Got Talent this year but I've just watched a couple of clips on Youtube and seen that a guy, Sean Sheenan, chopping wood made it to the semi finals. TO THE SEMI FINALS! So out of the hundreds of thousands that audtion, this act was the cream of the crop in this country? Bloody hell fire. The barrel is well and truly scraped.

I don't understand why singers are allowed on this show to begin with. Thats what XFactor is for right? And plus the two formats of the show are the same, its like watching the same show.

And yet, we buy into these fad shows, reality TV, cringeworthy viewing. Don't get me wrong, I used to love these shows when they first came out but the winner of American Idol this year debut single went to number 24 in the US charts. Is this the world saying "we want a change?"

When are we going to have shows with intelligence and substance again?!

... not collecting enough Tesco Clubcard points?

This may sound sad but Lee and I love collecting Tesco Clubcard points! We have been collecting for about a year and we put our points towards airmiles (we have about 2000 to date)

Here are some quick ways in how to collect more points:

1.  Take advantage or Tesco's double points offers which happen quite often. This is on petrol and grocery shopping
2. If you need an electrical product, try Tesco Direct. They can offer upto 500 extra points on purchases
3. If you do your grocery shop online, choose to deliver your shopping with no bags. This can add a few extra points to your balance.
4. Use the self serve checkouts in store. You can add upto 3 of your own bags without authorization, even if you dont have 3 bags
5. Sometimes there are unclaimed reciepts floating around these tills. Its a bit pikey but you can claim them as your own!
6. Apply for a Tesco Credit Card. You get even more Clubcard points when you use it (subject to credit history)

Lee and I collect over 1000 points a quarter just by doing these little things like this and we are looking forward to taking our first Clubcard points flight!

... WAGS?

Now, I’m a lover of great celebrity gossip and scandal!! I am addicted to the fantastic and legendary website Perezhilton!! Absolutely fantastic reading, it dishes the dirt on all celebrities, doing things they are not suppose to, but what I do love about all these celebrities, is that the majority of them have earned the right for us to google their names and read about them in both awe and admiration. However, what I don’t like reading about is WAGS.

Seriously, to become famous by getting your leg over an overpaid footballer is nothing to be proud of. It not like they even have any particular talent to show off, other than they are capable of flushing their lovers money down the drain in the streets of London. However, what is worse is the fact that I work in a school where I have had several arguments with the girls (and some boys) about not really needing a good education as they will grow up and marry a footballer!

Let’s take Coleen as an example. What real talent has that lady actually got? And I’m pretty sure we all know, the real reason why she is actually with the Neanderthal/Golum look alike husband is because of the money and the second hand fame she receives.

I must admit, this hatred of WAGS is not aimed at all of those money grabbing vultures who hunt by night in the clubs in Mayfair, prowling the clubs in hope of netting themselves a premier league player. Those ladies who have talent and made a career of themselves, through singing or acting or another form of reputable career, well done and good on you. It’s those girls who don’t aspire to do well in life and just want to sponge of someone else’s hard earn efforts.

I’m guessing, my real gripe is with those people who basically want something for nothing. They want the lavish lifestyle and the only thing they are willing to do for it is spread their legs in order to do so. Now, some women (Jordan) have managed to make a successful career but honestly, don’t sell yourself short.

To do well in this life and succeed, you will have to work hard at it and the rewards with pay off, however, for those parasites who depend on someone else, that is all you are destined to be and all you will be known for. 

... printing out digital camera photos?

You have a digital camera and take hundreds of photos but never print them out due to the fact that they are stored on your laptop/memory stick/external hard drive/ memory card/pc...! In the old days you would always print out 35mm\APS\polaroid prictures...

If you own a digital camera - shop around online, sign up for a new account!

#Tip 1: Always have in mind to spend less that 5p per 6x4 print - this is the usual lowest 'standard' rate you can get on the highstreet.
#Tip 2: Try to avoid the companies offering 25 free prints - usually the p&p isnt worth the costs of the prints.
#Tip 3: Sometimes if you recommend a friend - more free prints for you!!
#Tip 4: 40 free prints here and there usually works out cheaping than mass ordering with just one company - all you have to pay for is postage and packaging!


75 Free Prints at Jessops:  (09/06/2010)
50 Free Prints at Truprint:
40 Free Prints at Asda:
50 Free Prints at Pixum:
50 Free Prints at Orange Photos:   - http://photos.orange.co.uk/register
40 Free prints at Toys r Us - Yes, Toys r Us!:

Money Saving Expert with a rundown of additional print offers:  (some may be out of date)

If any of these links expired, then do another google search. There will always be companies offering deals!

... that the £5 dress you loved last year is now £20?

Whatever happened to the good old days? 

When you used to be able to buy a whole outfit (and I mean a WHOLE outfit) and you would still have change for £50? 

Whatever happened to those 10p salty treats Space Raiders? I'll tell you what, they aren't 10p anymore, that's for sure. 

These are things you start to notice when you get older... And no I'm not some old woman reflecting on her youth (i'm only 24). The thing is, the other day when I went shopping in a major womans fashion retailer and the bill came to in excess of £75 for a pair of jeans and a SALE dress I start to ask myself- 'When did all this happen?!' When did the time come where id be struggling to buy an outfit and have change for £100? 

The thing is for one reason or another clothes have got more expensive and don't be fooled because its not all to do with the fact that youve grown in the last 10 years because even childrens clothes have shot up in price! Don't get me wrong, things have got a lot better than they have been, with the likes of budget retailers popping up, especially for men i might add, with high street fashion growing in popularity but even these prices are slowly creeping up. This is where you'd probably say thank heaven for Primark. Ha! You'd be naive to think prices aren't on the up here aswell. Don't think we havent noticed that additional couple of quid on the price of that dress that would've been cheaper 6 months earlier. 

So when i asked "Whatever happened to the good ol days when you could buy a whole outfit for £50 and still have plenty of change?" I wasn't really expecting an answer becuse the truth is i know. My conclusion is enjoy these days while they last. When you can buy an outfit for £100 and have change, because in 10 years time it wouldn't suprise me if you didn't get change from £200. So in the meantime what i'm saying is thank heaven for small mercies and when you can just go to Primark. Bloody inflation.

... being a first time home buyer?

Lee and I were FTB's, completed the purchase of our house in September. They say buying a home or moving home is one of the most stressful things in life and from our experience, it was true! The average home purchase can take 4-6 weeks, ours took 5 months.

Here are some tips I would like to share with you to avoid some common mistakes:

1) Look at ONLY what you can afford. Do a budget planner and see what your monthly expenditures are. The last thing you want is to lose your home due to non mortgage payments.

2) Choose a local solicitor who quotes fees between £600-£1000 (not including stamp duty, local search fees etc) The less money you pay, the more likely you are going to run into trouble... Also check some reviews on them before you make a decision and don't trust the ones you see on their own website! Choosing a good solicitor is the difference between moving within any deadlines set our losing your chose property all together (See the Wolstenholmes Solicitors LLP issue)

3) Use a no fee mortgage advisor. They can do a lot of the research for you and approach the mortgage lenders who are more likely to accept your application

4) If you chose to look for a mortgage yourself, make sure you go into a bank and don't do an application over the phone. I recommend Halifax, they were BRILLIANT for us, Abbey wasted 5 weeks of my life after approving a mortgage and then retracting it without telling me! Also, with Halifax, they paid for half of our council tax for the year!

5) Make sure you have a deposit. There is no point in looking into a home if you dont have the money!

6) Dont rush into buying a home. They always say don't buy the first one you look at and its true. We looked at a few new build homes and almost bought the first one we saw. It turned out these particular homes had a HUGE number of defects.

7) You will be hounded relentlesly to buy Home Insurance! I have Home Insurance myself and it includes Life Insurance plan, i.e if one of us were to die, our mortgage would be paid off. In my research I found that £10 was the average quote I recieved for my partner and I. Also maybe unemployment cover if you feel like it would apply to you.

Good luck! 

... when you don’t seem to lose weight?!

My tips are to:

1. Move gyms! Due to the recession a lot of gyms have free day passes. Use the links below (Hurry some may run out end of April) or simply call up your local gym and say you are interested and they may offer you a free trial!
• Virgin Active
• Harpers Fitness
• Fitness First
 
2. If you want to ditch the gym altogether, take up classes! 
3. Join such classes as Boxercise/Zumba/Aqua Aerobics/Circuit Training or even pick up a team sport. Much more fun and you actually enjoy yourself whilst burning fat! It’s on average £5 per class, for an hour’s lesson the average person can burn the following:

• Zumba: on average 650 calories!! (Based on the instructors calculations)
• Boxercise: 350 – 450 calories
• Aqua Aerobics – 500 Calories
• Find out through www.yell.com where your local gyms are and give them a ring to find out what classes they have to offer.

Personally, I would recommend Aqua Aerobics you can go at your own pace and it’s good if you want to get in the water but are not a keen swimmer or you don’t want to ruin your hair (ladies with weaves or perms know what I’m on about!) and you really burn the calories.

Remember: The harder you work the more calories you’ll burn!! 

... doing your business in gross toilets?

Here is what I recommend...

1. Hold it - wait till you get home!! I appreciate this isn’t always the case so…
2. Always carry hand sanitizer! Kills 99.9% of germs.
3. Fully line the toilet seat with loo roll!
4. Stoop!!

... all the hype over Wayne Rooney?

Now I must admit, I'm not the biggest football fan. I have sat down and watched a game or two and I am with someone who is so much of a football fan, that I generally pick up on all the interesting bits.

What I find shocking is the hype over Wayne Rooney. I'm not going to deny the fact that the man is an amazing football player, however, how must the other players feel when everyone and even the commentators turn round and say "Rooney isn't playing, there is a high chance we will lose".

Talk about having a lot of faith in the rest of your players! Its like saying we should expect a really bad episode of Family Guy if Quagmire doesn't make an appearance, Destiny's Child without Michelle or making a Victoria Sponge without the Jam! Yes it would be missed, but it shouldn’t really make much of a difference. It is absolutely ludicrous.

That we as a nation should do, is not put all our eggs into one basket and start having a little faith in our other players. There is nothing more disconcerting than hearing your team is going to fail without a particular person. You are seriously setting yourself up for a fail if you keep that attitude. I would hate to have been playing on the England team when Wayne Rooney "broke" his ankle, I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that "England had no chance". All I would say is thanks for believing in me. There is no "Rooney" in team!

There are plenty of other fantastically skilled (and fantastically over paid) players in the UK at the moment. In the words of George Michael, "You gotta have faith". This much pressure on one person can't be healthy either, look at all the famous melt downs of Christmas past:

Britney Spears - Shaved her hair off

Lindsay Lohan - Likely hood of her doing another movie is ZERO.

Whitney Houston - if you haven't seen it, check out this link

All I can say is yes Rooney is a good player, but start believing every the other 10 players trying to win the match for you. 

... people who don't like Apple Products?

We all know someone who has there own opinions on branded products. They either refuse to use a particular brand or are afraid to stray away from another. The most common opinion I hear are the people who say “Is that an apple product, get it away from me!”. These people I find are secretly jealous of apple products, but are too ashamed to admit it.

I was lucky enough to try out the new apple iPad this week and it is in all words "awesome". If you have ever owned or used an iTouch, then you will notice is pretty much the same thing but on a larger scale. 

The iPad looks and feels classy and is packed with features suited to today’s modern day home. With storage capacity of 16G, 32G or 64G you have enough space to store your personal music, photos and movies as well as applications available from the app store. Its ideal for watching movies on the train, on a plane or in a car. You can use the internet via its Safari web browser with the option of a keyboard docking station, making typing easier. There are two types of iPad;- one with Wifi and the other with wifi and 3G, making the iPad ready to use on the go.

Only the Wifi versions are out in America at the moment with models coming to the UK in late May. Prices are expected to start around £500 for the entry model (16G with Wifi), making the iPad a pricey accessory to your home. It will appeal to the Apple users already as all Apple products do, but may also turn a few apple haters into lovers. Rival companies are now producing their own Windows 7 Android-powered versions which will all be released later in the year.

Do I like the iPad? YES. 

Will other people like it? YES. 

Will the people secretly jealous of Apple products like it, YES...

...but they will tell you NO!

... finding out you spent more money than you should?

I hate getting ripped off. Its one of my real hates! It very rarely happens to me actually but when I do, man my blood boils!

I always like to do a lot of comparisons when buying expensive products. For example, I just bought some brand new gym equipment; -

Roger Black Silver Motorised Treadmill Running Machine

Roger Black Gold Medal Rower - AG-13402

Roger Black Bike X Trainer Combo

all for £408.99 when it should've cost me £1049! How did I make such a saving?

Simply by shopping around!

I bought all these items on eBay, some of the items offered free delivery too. They were all items that had only been opened and returned to the seller so they were in PERFECT condition.

There are a lot of sellers on eBay that sell perfect quality items with damaged boxes. All of these items have been checked and repackaged and offer customer service support if the item is not up to the standard you have expected.

So go on, check it out!

... when the condom splits?

Q: Quite often when having sex with my girlfriend, the condom splits! Am I doing something wrong or is there something wrong with me?

A: If a condom is used correctly, it shouldn't split. A split condom can result from the following:

1. Storing your condoms in a hot place like a car on a hot day
2. Using one that is past its use by date
3. Damaging it when opening and removing it from the wrapper
4. If you're stupid enough using the same condom more than once.

The condom is likely to split if not enough room as left at the top. The trick to leaving enough room is pinch the tip (the teat) of the condom between two fingers with one hand as you place it on the head of your penis, then continue holding on to it as you roll the rubber down over your shaft with your other hand. Lack of lubrication is another common cause. Always use a water-based lube like KY Jelly, apply to the outside of the condom whenever you experience dryness of your partner down below. Be aware that any food, lotion, or any oil-based product will cause latex to wear thin and eventually go pop!

It's also possible that your condoms are not the right match for your penis. Most condoms are made to men of average size when erect which is about 4 to 7 inches. If the ones you usually use does not cover your entire shaft, or if it feels to tight, try a brand that caters specifically for well-endowed men.

By following these few simple steps, it should prevent your condoms from splitting in the future. Don't forget that a split condom not only runs the risk of the girl getting pregnant, it also exposes you and your sexual partner to STD's. So if a condom does split it is very important to replace it before continuing sex.

... New Technology?

We all love new technology, but you know as soon as you buy something a week later it will be in the sale half price and discontinued. This has been my problem for some time. I have been looking for a TV for my bedroom for ages, and every time I find something I like, I look at the price tag and bam, well into the 4 figures. I know as soon as I take that one off the shelf something newer and better will come along within weeks.

That’s when I think to myself what’s the point? I already have a TV in my bedroom, it maybe big and look like it’s from the stone age but the picture quality is still good. It comes to that old saying “If it isn’t broken, then why fix it?”

You can go to your local electrical shop and see 50” TVs for £500, and you think to yourself "Wow all that for that price, bargain!" But there is a reason for that price, ITS OLD! It’s like going clothes shopping and looking at last season’s fashion.

With the introduction of 3D TV in 2010 a new wave of TVs are to emerge. To be able to view this new technology you will need to upgrade your TV as well as your DVD player and Sky box (Unless you have the new Sky+ HD box). All this comes at a price, a price the £500 50” TVs were a year or two ago.

The question is, do you keep up with technology and at a price? or Go for last year’s technology and be happy with second best? The choice is yours!

... Idiot Drivers?

Seriously, there are so many drivers out there on our roads that I wonder “How the hell did you manage to get a license?” From collecting tokens in the News of the World and did you get a free bonus CD of Stevie Wonders greatest hits?

I’ll start with idiot middle lane drivers. Please tell me, what’s wrong with the inside lane? Is there something you’re not telling me? Do we use more fuel in that lane? Does it wear our tyres quicker? Is there some kind of inside lane monster that will jump out at you causing you to flip your car a bunch of times? No! So why do they persist on driving in that lane at 60mph when the inside lane is free. Then have the cheek to give ME the middle finger or look at me as if i’m in the wrong!

Well you’re wrong !! So unless you are overtaking, get your slow arse stupid self in the inside lane!!

Another thing that really gets up my nose is when your waiting behind 2 cars (one in each lane) at a set of traffic lights. You wait, wait some more, then the lights go green and your guess what, your still damn waiting! At what point did the driving test start teaching people that when you're at a set of traffic lights, don't watch the lights, just sit there and wait for the car next to you to start moving and then you can go! NO, you watch the lights you stupid fools and when they go green, you go!

Last but not least, how many times have you been behind another car as you approach a roundabout and as you get closer you start to look to see if it's clear. It is clear but to your horror as you glance back at the road in front, you hit the brakes and brace for impact because the stupid idiot your following has stopped! WHY? WHY? WHY? I ask and guess what, if you hit them it's your fault! It's your insurance that has to pay out!!! Is there really any need to approach the roundabout, stop, then look, have a moment to decide, then look again, think about it a little more then slowly pull away! Seriously, what is wrong these people, if you can't look to see if the roundabout is clear as you approach you shouldn't be driving full stop!

IDIOTS! 

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... Jedward?

Now, I am a colossal fan of X Factor. Every Saturday from September through to mid December, I am glued to my tv watching this show. I have honestly scheduled my social life around it and even my own birthday celebration, I am that much of a fan. Watching the rise of Leona Lewis, that other guy Leon (dropped faster than Jordans underwear) , Alexandra Burke (love love love!!) And the latest winner Joe McElderry (Yawn), it’s been some fantastic TV.

One thing that really got to me this particular season was this bungling duo who managed to charm the pants off Cheryl, Louie, Simon, Dannii and the rest of the nation. And I must admit, there was part of me that was secretly looking forward to these tone deaf, rythmless dancers to jump up on stage and make absolute fools of themselves for the sake of entertainment. Once the world woke up and realised that we are actually watching a talent show and these 2 lacked any form what so ever and decided to vote these two out, one was hoping they would wither away and join the rest of the X Factor rejects and make the occasional Cameo appearance.

However, these two must have the same manager as Jade Goody (god rest her soul), as they seem to just be popping up everywhere and indorsing everything. Somehow they managed to pull together a single which brought out Vanilla Ice back from the grave with intent to use this as an attempt to relight his mediocre career, but that’s another hate for another day.

Last thing I heard is that the gruesome twosome will be going on tour with another X Factor joke Eoghan Quigg and that really say’s it all. I would like to bitch some more, but I am in a good mood. So all I will say is I hope that these Z list celebrities will eventually disappear into a deep dark bottomless pit where they will be long forgotten like Jodie Marsh and the 7th member of the Pussycat dolls (seriously, look it up, there were 7 originally).

Jedward, your 15 minutes of fame ended 10 hours ago, please take the hint and do the rest of the world a favour!

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... BMW drivers?

Seriously, I think anyone out there who owns one of these cars gets an automatic licence to drive round like an absolute tit!! They are always the drivers who will drive up your arse, they will always be the drivers who would cut you up and they are always the drivers who think the road belongs to them and that we should feel somewhat privileged to grace the same surface as them.

I'll be honest enough to say that I am quite a fast driver and have been known to push the limit, but I think we would all be in agreement when I say "all BMW drivers should be shot!!" They drive around with their dark sun glasses, driving round like they run the place. Who do they think they are?

I was driving home the other day, going pretty quickly (as I really needed the loo), and this crazy BMW driver came straight up my arse and had the audacity to start flashing me to move over. Now, I’m quite a calm person and can take quite a lot, but this guy really made me see red. The fact that I was already speeding past most drivers in the slow lane anyway meant nothing to him. I really wanted to get out my car, go over to his window and bitch slap him with my ring hand.

Learn to drive like a normal person and maybe we'll get along. They act like their cars are all that but to be honest, I'd rather be seen in a Skoda! Yes I went there.

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... 4x4's in the City?

How many times has this happened to you? Pulling up to a junction, you look left, then right, then left again and a massive 4x4 comes pulling up next to you, blocking your sight!?! Seriously, what is the point in them? It's like some big black curtain has been pulled next to your car blocking your vision. How bloody irritating!!

I can honestly see the point of owning 4x4 cars.... If you live in the country. But what really grinds my gears is people driving these monstrous cars in the city. What is the point? They are too big, too expensive and too polluting. To get yourself a decent 4x4 you need to spend at least £30k, then there is tax which is like £400 a year, then a bucket load on petrol each week and then add in the cost of irritation from normal drivers on the road and you are looking at a damm expensive vehicle to which you don't even use properly.

These people must have more money than sense when it comes to purchasing one of these vehicles, I honestly have no issue if you live in the country and use it to its full capability, but these city dwelling "soccer mums" who don't even know that milk comes from cows, I bet have never even used the car to go off road.

I'm pretty sure if we did a survey on the amount of people who use these beasts of a machine in the city and asked them if they actually used them off road, the percentage would be lower than the amount of straight men in the entertainment industry.

I was at the supermarket the other day and the only available space I could find was next to one of these Chelsea Tractors. Due to the size of it taking up quite a lot of the space I had to park quite far over just to get out of my car. Went to the shop and came back and found that another beast parked to the other side of me!! Needless to say, I was not a happy bunny, not only did I have to proper squeeze into my car, when I went to pull out... I couldn’t see a thing!!

2 words comes to mind.... all terrain... what's the point in spending a stupid amount on something if you are only going to use half of it. It's like going to the theatre and only watching the first act!! Wake up people!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

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.. that your parents know EVERYTHING?

Why on earth is it that they just know everything? When you do something that you think is right your parents will turn around and say "I don't think thats right" and when it all comes crashing down around you they will be the first ones to say "I told you so" or sometimes they don't even need to speak, they just give you "THAT LOOK"

My mother is notorious for this. She always asks my sisters and I or our boyfriends:

"Do you have a thick coat?"  
in case the 30 degree weather outside turns into an Antarctic snowstorm. We did go to America and my mum asked me the same question. 

I was also standing in her kitchen a few weeks ago and she came charging upto me with this duffle coat. She forced me into it, put the hood up, did the zip up to my nose and pulled the strings tight around the hood so all you could see were my peepers. She then advised me "This is the perfect coat for all freak weather. Go and get one". Er... no. I looked and moved like a black Michelin Man. Not a good look

"Do you have comfortable footwear?"  
I am notorious for my ridiculous impractical footwear so in case we break down and have to walk to a motorway phone or anything else

"Have you checked your cars oil and water?" 
Self explanatory

We always say yes just to get her to shut the hell up. I live 80 miles from home now so my journeys are long to visit family. But one day my younger sister got her cumuppance. 

She was driving home from working in Luton to Milton Keynes and suddenly she heard a loud crunching sound followed by some bangs. Her car slowed down and came to a halt on the M1. She called me up and said:


"Christina, never guess what?!?!"

"What?"

"I've broken down!!"

"Noway, are you OK?"

"I'm on the M1 home from work and its dark!! BUT THANKS TO THE MARKET-STALL FLEECE, TORCH AND BOATING PLIMSOLLS THAT MUM SNEAKILY STASHED IN MY CAR, I'M FINE!!"


What's best is as soon as the AA towed my sister to my parents house, my mum opened the door and greeted her, not with "Are you ok darling?" but with "THAT LOOK". She just knew, she just knew...

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... CHAVS!!!!!!!

They are the most vile and disrespectful creatures on this planet. I remember when I was at University in 2006, my first year at fine ol' Coventry University, and someone asked me:

"Stina, do you have chavs in Milton Keynes?"

"Noooooo! Milton Keynes is far too good for chavs"

I was shocked to find out that when I returned back home to Milk n Beans, Dirty Jeans, at the end of my first term, all the goths and "greebo's" had turned into CHAVS! Scummy, rude, fake Burberry wearing CHAVS. 

I couldn't walk anywhere without seeing walking stripes, clumps of green and white gob on pavements, the sound of illiterate drivel with every other word being "fuck" or "fucking". I was horrified. What had happened to my beloved Milton Keynes? Oh, the shame, THE SHAME! 

They we're like swarms of flies around shit, hovering in any key point of the city (yes, I know some of you will say Milton Keynes isn't a city but I don't care to be honest). You'd find them chucking chips at "Got-Any-Spare-Change Marcus" outside McDonalds or having riveting conversations about "tits" and "robbing their mums" at the tree in the outdoor bit.

I would be so unbelievably mortified if I had a kid that turned out to be a chav. It'd be up for adoption faster than you can say "ASBO"

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... having to stifle an inapropriate expulsion of gas?

Yes, I have many a time had to clench my arse cheeks together in order to make a conversation with a stranger or professional stay on the same level of intellect.

To this day I don't recall ever passing one to cause embarrassment, however, a few weeks ago, Lee and I were at Dollis Hill Station in Willesden, London because I was taking Lee to watch Arsenal vs West Ham at the Emirates Stadium. I had a big pump built up so as I walked up to him, I turned around to let one go towards him but and as I farted I clocked eyes on a shocked train conductor. That was possibly the most distressed I had ever felt in my life. Lee was shocked too but we laughed about it to dampen the blow of mental discomfort.

Also a few years ago, I was on the phone to a young chap about finding university accommodation along with my 5 friends. My parting line was: 


"Ok, thank you, bye, BELCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH" 

I have never hung up on a call so fast. Two of my friends looked at me with such bewilderment. I never even felt that one coming! It was a surprise to us all.

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... those "GET ROCK HARD ABS!" adverts...?!

I am fed up with these adverts that pop up everywhere:

"Click here to know my secret?"

"Get ripped in 4 weeks!"

"Get a flat stomach following this one simple rule"

ITS ALL BOLLOCKS!

This guy, Kevin from Bangkok, was keeping a journal on a Croatian bodybuilding site and someone stole his pictures to show that this was a fad. It didn't take him "4 weeks to get ripped" it took him 4 months!

Don't buy into this rubbish people!

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... the guy who only gave us two days off a week?

Grrrr, i'm back to work after a lovely long weekend with my friends and family. Friday - Monday of pure entertainment and relaxation.

BUT WHY ON EARTH DO WE ONLY GET TWO DAYS OFF TO HAVE FUN?!?!

If I was ruler of the world I would give us 5 days off and only work two. Surely, thats more common sense. Of course we need shops to be open 7 days a week so people would do rota work. This plan doesnt need any more thought, its a winner!

You so know it was a man who came up with this dumbass rule :D

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... people who have stupid facebook status's?

I mean, I like to read certain peoples FB status's but I do think sometimes "Do you know you sound like a pencil right now and everytime you write something in this status box?"

These are the classic examples that, as Peter Griffin would say, "GET MY GOAT"

1. People who have no idea "what to eat for dinner". How can you survive life having to make such difficult decisions
2. People who's status "is watching TV", "is going to bed", "is going to eat". Thank Jesus you announced that to us all. Now I won't be awake all night
3. Boring flooded status. "Goinggggggggggggggg Skiinggggggggg. Can't waittttttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!". So unnecessary
4. People who love their partner "sooooooo much" or "can't wait to see my man" BLEARGH
5. People who have rocky relations "He can be such an idiot sometimes", "Why did he do that?", "Why does he want to hurt me?". FUCKING ASK HIM!!!
6. I have trouble containing myself when people do not write their statuses' in third person
7. "Looking forward to the weekend". Everyone is looking forward to the weekend, it's assumed knowledge !
8. Illiterate fools who can't even string a sentence together i.e "I fink I am guna 2 c my frend ova dere" What the hell does that say?!
9. And the worse one... so and so "is bored" Don't bore us with your BORING STATUS!

I'm not religious but I do ask the lord to "Give Me Strength" when I read this shit...

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... bad skin days?

I don't know about you but when I hit 25 suddenly BAM! My skin broke out into a million gazillion spots. Sigh. I tried changing my contraceptive pill, Ovranette, to Implanon® - The Contraceptive Implant because I kept forgetting to take my pill (even though I'd been taking it for many years). I took out the implant after about 3 months because it was making me increasingly depressed and my skin was ruined.

I had no idea what to do and when I looked in the mirror I wasn't the girl I used to be. (Queue the awwwwwwwwwwwws) I googled some creams and treatments and came across PanOxyl Aquagel 2.5 (Benzoyl Peroxide) I read the reviews and thought, why not give it a go, something is better than nothing and everyone's skin has different reactions.

I was amazed at how fast it worked. It dried up my spots instantly and reduced the redness and size of them within the 3rd treatment. It is a very strong cream but luckily my skin is not very sensitive.

Now my facial cleansing routine consists of 4 steps which I do twice a week before I go to bed or before a night out:

1. GARNIER FRESH ESSENTIALS CLEANING GEL WASH - Clears all the days dirt and debris off the face and is very gentle on the skin.
2. ST IVES APRICOT BLEMISH CONTROL SCRUB/ST IVES APRICOT GENTLE SCRUB - Is the most effective scrub I have used, I even use it on my knees and elbows to keep them smooth.
3. BUFF SKIN WITH A SLIGHTY DAMP MICRODERMABRAISON CLOTH (You can buy these from eBay) - This will help to remove some of the dry and flaky skin you may have uncovered after using the facial scrub.
4. FACIAL STEAM. You can either do this with an electric steamer or over a bowl of hot water under a towel. Keep your head under the towel until the water goes cold. Pat your face dry.
5. PANOXYL AQUAGEL 2.5 - I recommend putting the cream on the SPOTS ONLY as it is very strong and can feel as if it is burning a little.

You should notice that your spots have reduced in size making you feel happier and more confident!

In my opinion, to treat spots you should go for specialized creams and not branded beauty creams. Beauty creams are all about giving you confidence but don't work as good as medical creams, that's why I like to mix up my routine with effective and pampering products.

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... ONE FOR THE SWEAR BOX

Don't you just fucking hate it when you break a finger nail so short it hurts?! It feels like you are being stabbed in the bloody eyeballs whilst having your intestines taken out via your arsehole with chopsticks??

You have to decide whether to rip the nail off or leave the remains hanging. But what if it gets caught anyway?!

Check these top tips out!

TIP 1: The quick cheap one. Put a plaster/band aid tightly around your broken finger nail (whether the nail be half off or all off) to stifle the uncomfortable feeling. After a few hours you will be able to remove the plaster and you will be pain free.

TIP 2: Use fiber paper and nail glue to fix the nail. Adhesive glue is for use with manicure and pedicure fiber paper, when carrying out nail repairs. Fiber paper is a natural, effective way to mend a broken nail. I recommend Jessica Nails

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... nosey neighbours?

Just because I don't have curtains in my front room, doesn't give you an invitation into looking into my home.

Everyone that walks past, I swear they are looking for some car crash or some gossip to share with friends. Some of the walkers past even come back for a second look in hope. Just damn RUDE.

"Oooh, guess what I saw in a house round the corner? I saw a full on orgy with 3 midgets, a pre-op transvestite and a labrador. Oh and a well endowed black girl. I can't believe the scandal in this street"

Far from it. Me and my partner are just watching TV. Nothing to see here, move along.

Next time i'm going to go outside, wave at them vigorously and say "Hi, how are you?" and ask to borrow their jump leads so I can attach them to one of the midgets nipples for my erotic enjoyment.

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... people who try and pass the buck?

Why do people find it hard to say "Yea, ok, I messed up. I am human, I'M SORRY"

These are words that we invented, we intended to use them so why can't they be used without feelings of depression and remorse?

Today at work I was blamed via email for something which yes, I made the mistake, but the mistake shouldve been spotted and corrected by another member of staff, it's their job.

To try and lighten the mood of the written conversation, I said this:

"There is a well known proverb used amongst the people, which would be very appropriate for both of us right now:

“Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups”"

I don't think it went down well...

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